crash down

今天花枝說, 我是會想辦法讓自己不會得憂鬱症的人,

我想, 我會因為認清自己嚴重的人格缺陷,
所以失去信賴自己能面對陽光的力量,
而得到憂鬱症

Silence

It seems that my Many friends regard me as a cold person,
cuz I'm not so easily influenced by other things,
like when some stuffs r happening/happened to me,
they can seldom feel that I'm sad from my face & behavior,
while my description of this crapping things,
it seems that i just told them someone else's life, not mine,
well...
actually I don't think that
i need say anything for my defense to respond this,
Neither do I think that i should act in an emtional way to
let others feel my humanity,
Aber, somehow, i'm ignored by the image of iron-heart,

In fact, I AM really a person who gets affected easily,
and i know I AM,
as others, in this situation, I AM also in a mess,
and i hate that, cuz that makes me feel even bad,
"I am already in such a sux place, how come should i
push myself to fall even deeper?"
so i realize that all i can do r just
looking through and letting it go,
all i want is not to let the influence last long,
back to normal as soon as possible!
at this moment, what i need is to be treated in a normal way,
i need sunshine, i need laugh, i need positive force,
but if i show up in a pathetic way,
then others start to comfort me,
i am really appreciate that, but that may not be the
positive force i need,

ok, maybe i am kind of freaky
and too rational,
but i don't show the usual feeling
that doesn't mean i can't feel it

いろうろが苦手

話說, 有人覺得我最愛Organize事情了,
但是最近深深覺得, 我的肇門就是Organize文獻,
尤其是看到很煩, 一直恍神跳行,
助長一知半解的理解度,
更不用說念的都是一些比較精簡短篇的資料,
簡直是以管窺天, Organize起來更加費力,

以下是Organize的四大障礙:
1)前因後果難以交代,
2)各個學派語焉不詳,
3)演進順序不知所云,
4)比較分析作不出來,
唉呀, 我這是啥研究生,
連基本的Organize都作不好...

日本語 (Ambiguous!)

無理でしょ
忘れてください

燃香

今天我再度燃起三年前伴度我倉皇歲月的檀香,
隨著兩道白煙裊裊, 心中默唸六字真言,
乞求賜予我一段時光的平靜心境,

而嗅聞幾已遺忘的餘味,
喚起當時靜默穩適的黃燭光,
我幾乎落淚, 懷念著那一場單純專志的日子

self-estimate

though the last thing to estimate one's ability is another's,
man can't help doing this,
and I am not the exception,

Informed of the news about admissions my classmates got,
meanwhile, I found that I was not the kind of person I imaged,
I kept looking at the direction i aimed at,
but my body led me to another, subconciously

then I could only turn back to the my crapping thesis,
which reminded me that I'm just like what i've written.

...(Ambiguous!)

...
...
...
...

tautology

今天一直陷入套套邏輯的泥淖中,
而且似乎真的很難釐清出一個頭緒,
用路徑依存的手法來解釋成效似乎不是那麼有說服力,
但是目前我的腦袋大概也只能這麼處理,
希望之後能夠想到一個比較好的解決方法,

另外就是有很多文獻在現在的脈絡下, 都比較難找到一個安插的位子,
不開心, 因為好不容易看了,
而且其實我覺得有說明上的幫助,
但是, 不是忘記了, 就是要修改前面的論述, 耗工費時,
更體會到自己沒辦法寫得完整的困境,
而且明明資料就在那了, 還是那麼遜,
不開心不開心,

這真是很不簡單的一節阿!!

側目

唉!
在這種年代,
光是不積極競爭好像就已經輸了

again

My mom reminded me again that
after taking the exchange program,
the fund, which they provide for me for the L.L.M,
must discount by the part that i spent in Europa.
This time, i couldn't help asking,
why r u keeping reminding me this?
eih...

TAG - ambiguous!

為了避免讓心思細膩的人受到我無心的外部性作用,
凡是之後我寫些模稜兩可語焉不詳的文,
我都會在標題上面加上(Ambiguous!)的標示
並且列在ambiguous的Tag中,

以供作為是否進入觀賞的參考,
換句話說, 我已經提供資訊讓大家可以評估風險,
所以, 原則上不能對我主張信賴保護,

感謝大家的支持與配合!

Backlash (Ambiguos!)

Moving On?
maybe just on the half-way,
occasional backlash made me step back a bit,
i know this hard and crucial,
but this is FACT, and LIFE has to go on,
someday i will go through this,
leave it behind

crap

I felt really frustrated today, cuz of the thesis working
what i have written r really craps, I knew it just right after i wrote the last word...sux!
but i have no idea how and what could i fix up,
so i can't help feeling tired, frustrated, and anxious,
watching the next headline but just couldn't find any word in my brain to write,
i'm really scared that this situation continues,
and gets it worse and worse, oooops!

Moving Back

Today i moved back to the dorm,
i felt no sad about leaving the place i lived in,
that's no place like home, but just a residence,
maybe in my deep soul, i never let it be that one,
on the other hand, i'm a bit happy to move back,
just cuz of the convenience to get to the school,
and being able to leave there in deep night,
but somehow, i feel sorry for my ex-roommate,
to let him feel me cold recently,
but who knows, maybe I just am?

Take it

其實早就已經不是可以過著安穩不用操煩生活的年歲,
就不應該還是賴著那些恩惠而繼續習以為常,
我知道這需要堅強的心志,
即便自己早有盤算,
還是會不太開心,
but what can i do for my defense?
i can find no ground,
so just face it, take it, be used to it,
push myself to grow up,
into the real world

todmüde wie Sau

Ich habe noch zum mindesten 7 Artiklen und 2 Bücher
zu lesen, dann könnte ich über diesem Teil beginnen, zu schreiben.
Das ist ganz Scheisse!
OOoops!

ich mag meinen Name!

歐, 可以不要再叫我改名字了嗎,
口口聲聲說為我好,
但是如果這是我現在最不想做的事情,
你們一直有意無意提起這件事情,
難道就不是負面影響嗎?
這算哪門子的對我好?
而且不要再唱衰我的人生了,
夠了, 生活已經很辛苦了,
為什麼我還要去抵抗你們這些閒言閒語,
夠了,
i mean it!

the Days of our Thesis

所謂自由誠可貴, 我無法否認,
不過若很催毛求疵來比較一下, 其實自由也是有品質可言的,
以一個法研所碩三正在如火如荼寫論文而學分已經修滿的學生來說,
就是處於一個沒有品質的自由當中,
雖然形式上, 在活動範圍上受到比較少的限制,
至少沒有強制的力量迫使必須定時在固定地點內活動,
然而這也不意味著就可以隨心所欲地四處亂跑,
在精神上是了無心意地沒日沒夜關束在煩躁的框框裡面,
從早到晚, 全年無休,
一醒來就默默地到研究室, 飽受論文的煎熬,
雖然沒有人強迫每天都要去, 每天都要寫, 每天都要念,
但是惦一下自己的底, 也知道什麼是該做的是,
所以不受拘束的軀殼卻被飽受拘束的靈魂所控制,
是自由嗎?

為什麼會有感,
因為每次很累地深夜回到家, 室友就會說「研究生真爽」
我就很想呼他巴掌, 當然我無法說上班工作比我好,
但是我為什麼每天累隻狗一樣, 只不過是去mo!relax喘個氣,
就變得爽翻天了, 真是超級靠杯(原諒我的氣急攻心!)

所以, 最後我要說,
在我論文寫完口試完之前,
我‧都‧很‧不‧爽
如果你以為我去看電影去唱歌去咖啡廳去海邊去泡溫泉是為了爽,
那小心惹毛我

下台一鞠躬

承接著Externality而來

如果每個人都抱著我在Externality裡的Comment的心態,
那究竟Blog是促進溝通, 還是阻礙溝通呢?
(這種問題好像很無聊,
最後一定是「水能載舟, 亦能覆舟」的答案)

這讓我想到以前也曾經感到疑惑的一件事情,
「即時性」可謂為資訊科技大為進步後最大的進展,
即時性一方面(大家說)拉近的人之間的距離,
天涯若比鄰, 世界村的概念越來越具體實現,
當然這種便利性是無法否定的, 因為有時候我也深深享受感激這種方便,
不過有時候我覺得即時通訊在改變擴大人際之間的關係外,
也著實更增加人際之間摩擦與衝突的頻率,
(我是不是有一點山頂洞人阿?)
而且太即時了, 反倒是想緩緩也不行,
當大家都這麼即時時, 又形成一股社會規範壓力,
也就是, 如果自己不這麼即時也不行,
反倒變成是自己的問題,
當大家都用Email聯絡時, 不上網收一下信而miss掉一些事情,
不會是別人的問題,
因為已經「置於自己可得取得的範圍」了,
Oh Mein Gott, 想龜縮也難呢?!

話說回來, 有的人很自適於這種距離,
不過我好像還是有點適應不良,
也許由於鹿丸性格, 我(有時候)還是想要緩緩,
不要這麼即時, 不要這麼近距離,
不要搞的這麼複雜

Externality

外部性(Externality), 這是一個經濟學上所用的詞彙,
簡單的說, 就是行為所導致對自己以外的人的影響,
另外外部性是中性的名詞, 本身無好壞評價,
不過, 一般而言多半是在討論負面的外部性,
當然一個行為也會同時造成負面與正面外部性,
例如, 在研究室裡面吃泡麵,
沒吃午餐的人會覺得好香, 是正面的外部性,
吃了吃到飽的人會想吐, 是負面的外部性,

為什麼拉哩拉雜的做了一堆名詞解釋,
其實就是有感任何行為都會產生這種效果,
最近的例子就是看別人的Blog,
也許他愛寫一些模稜兩可的字句(我也有一點吧?!)
但就變成抽象概念可以套用在各種人際關係事實當中,
無往不利, 一個蘿蔔一個坑, 好不開心,
於是隨著對號入座的效應, 度過了
一個心驚膽跳心神不寧的下午/晚上,
也想到或許是在指涉別人, 不過朦朧的文辭
是造就最大範圍的幻想空間,
因此今天Delaware Supreme Court的Unocal案是怎麼一個字也進不了腦袋,
甚感,
這不是外部性是什麼?

換個角度想想, 當我在Blog上面寫寫心情,
在抱怨憤怒與失落的範疇裡,
也多半很機車地使一些含糊不清的描述,
其實也只是小怨念罷了, 隨手寫一寫, 就是發洩到了,
也不是這麼地慎重其事要指證歷歷,
不過, 即便如此,
或許也造成了一些敏感的人negative externality,
本是自己想消化一下順勢排泄掉的情緒,
反倒是雨露均霑, 春風化雨,

所以有感, 以後寫Blog也得想想,
what's the externality of this post?
besides, what do i read other's blog for?
especially for such a sensitive person as me,
could i really bear the after effect of these words?
denke noch einmal.